the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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