yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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