Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
