Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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