there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
