do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Randomize
