I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
