I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Randomize
