I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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