just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Randomize
