Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
