I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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