Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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