If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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