is your mom at the bar?
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
