I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
