If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Randomize
