Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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