Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
