Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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