I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
