I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Randomize