Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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