we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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