Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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