thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
