you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
