I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
