Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
