R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
