I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Randomize
