You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
