if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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