hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
