can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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