its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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