If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
My liver is preforming stress tests.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
