They should really pass out barf bags in church
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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