I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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