bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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