By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize