Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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