You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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