my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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