watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
