i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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