I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
