I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
