I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Randomize
