Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
