I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
FUCK WHALES
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
