Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
