Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
