Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
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