I am in a vortex of obligation.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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