I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
