Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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