Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
