I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
