Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
