Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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