he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize